I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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