If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
