I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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