you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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