Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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