halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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