My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
