she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
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the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
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Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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