i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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