My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
