actually, I'm a sock model
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
