does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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