my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
