I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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