Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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