Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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