Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
