wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
why is half of my head shaved?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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