Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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