The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize