I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
