I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
