Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
