3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
