My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize