I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
