if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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