what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
