just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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