Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
