Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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