Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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