at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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