Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
