just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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