I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
