Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
