im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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