i will never coherently bang her
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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