Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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