omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
