She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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