Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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