Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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