I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
As shirtless as possible
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
