At least make sure they are 18
Why
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
