I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
