Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
