this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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