New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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