Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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