I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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