Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
