mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
